Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Tomorrow morning Liam has an EEG appointment (to see if he is having seizures) at 8 30 am. So he can't sleep tonight. My plans to keep him up are, movies, movies, movies... and a midnight outing to an all night diner and a trip to the park to look at the stars probably prior to the eating out.

I am sure some people at the restaurant will be thinking what the heck is that lil boy doing out this late? But ya know what, I really don't care ! It is more important to me that my son have a good time and make the best out of a sucky-suck suck-suck situation.

I wonder if he will remember this when he gets older. Like make a memory. I don't have many 4 year old memories, but I have some. My first memory actually I was 4 and I remember: I walked up to my Dad and brother who were tinkering with the computer in the computer room, and I asked my Dad, "Hey Dad, what does 'times' mean? Like 2 times 2 ? What does that mean." He said something to the effect of "not now, I am busy" And so I went off and pondered it. I don't remember how, but I remember that I figured it out on my own! Then I ran back so excited to my brother and my Dad and said" I figured it out it means 2, 2 times!! I get it! 2 times 2 is 4! 3 times 3 is 9 ! " Then I ran outside the front door and screamed so excitedly 2 TIMES 2 IS FOUR! 2 TIMES 2 IS FOUR! Up and down our rocky path from the front door to the sidewalk. That is my first memory. I know that for sure. After that my memories are all muddled up and not in correct order. There were a lot of secrets in my life around the age of 4, 5, 6, 7 especially and up due to my sister's drug addiction and intense involvement with some shady things, and my parents separation and divorce. So I don't necessarily even trust my own memory around then. Because my perception was distorted by what people told me to cover up the truth. Which, is kind of sad.

Anyway, back on subject from that tangent.
I just feel bad for Liam, I know he isn't the sickest kid in the world, but he has to go to the Dr and have all these tests far more than I ever had to. I was never even sick really. Liam was hospitalized for a week last fall. He was sick with pneumonia for months on his first birthday, he has travelled out of state for Dr appointments, the list goes on. And he partakes in therapy a grand total of 15 times per week. By my calculations that is about 780 therapy sessions per year. About 390-780 hours of therapy per year.

If I could somehow add all the hours I have spent total in any kind of medical setting with me as the patient, I have not even come close to the amount of "patient hours" that Liam has hit.
I don't mean to complain, on his behalf. I know he doesn't have it so bad, but he also doesn't have it so good. Not as good as most of us have it,as I have it, and take for granted everyday.

I try to go without speaking, for a day, for a week. I can't do it. For fear of what others will think of me, that is pretty pathetic.

I know that children live and die in the hospital. Babies even. Lots of kids have it a million times worse than Liam. But I can't think about that for too long. Because I am selfish and because it will likely break my heart into a million pieces if I do. But this is on my list of top 10 things to ask God when we meet, why do some little babies and children suffer so immensely ?

My husband's chaplain told him, (and he told me), that just because other people are in much worse pain than you, it doesn't make your pain any less. That is a very hard concept for me. Ever since I was a child I have always been in the mindset if I am hurting, to think about how much more others are hurting, and that should make me stop hurting, because it should be selfish in some way to be in that pain if others are in worse pain. I know that is kind of messed up. But that is just how I have always thought. Sometimes it can really make a lot of sense and be helpful. Like if I am just working myself up over nothing. Like as an example, if I am upset because the restaurant effed up my order, I might think, hey, ya know what, instead of getting pissed off about this and possibly making the waitress and the cooks day worse, (and my own) I should just be polite about it, and be thankful that I am fortunate enough to have food to eat. Cause some people don't, ya know. Like no. food. at. all. So to me it makes sense a lot of times. Does anyone else think like me in this regard? I might be the only one..

Well there is a lot more on my mind right now that I would like to record. But it will have to be written later because we have got to get on with our staying up all night adventures. As a reminder to myself, write about/discuss family traditions specifically Christmas time charity at a later date.

1 comment:

Cynthia said...

Hope his appointment went well this morning!

Thanks for visiting my blog, it's always nice to meet someone new.